I Almost Ran

I didn’t catch myself in this behavior at first. In fact, I wrote a lot about accepting change almost two years ago. The notion of embracing uncertainty, accepting change as only natural in life. The idea for me then, was to always accept it with open arms. But then something happened. I would almost say that it “threw me off course,” but looking back now I would suggest that my sails were just being blown down into the water. And I hope, that I’m now getting them back up.

We all know that live throws us curve-balls every now and then. But what less of us know, is how difficult and sudden some of these curve-balls can be.  Like when they hit you deep in the gut. These are the moments the space and time of our being can be stretched and condensed in unprecedented ways. Losing someone you love empties an essence from you, and replaces it with a new understanding of life.  And after this, there’s no turning back.

Growing up I had a mechanical idea of what mourning was suppose to be like. That it should last for a year, and not too much longer. Or at least, that’s about how long it should last. And then one day, I truly began to start that process. My ways of coping were of hope for a greater life, a family of my own, and a settling down from everything. My ego encourage me to believe that I could just have it if I chose to, at the moment I chose to, with whoever I chose to; and my mourning kept my consciousness seated.

After a year things definitely changed, but after about a year and a half things changed a lot more. Some stability came back, acceptance of my life’s unpredictably began to grow again. Now there’s more space to focus on what I can do to make myself a better person. One who’s always trying to resist hate, fashion wellness among their surroundings, and always practice benevolent philanthropy by whatever means are most suitable.

The slippery ego sometimes tries to make me apologize to myself for lessons that I was only to begin learning. I things it’s only far to ourselves to recognize that when we are truly trying to do what we believe is best for ourselves at the moment; then we are neither good or bad, but rather we Just Are. Which then correlates to good.

Mistakes then take on a different character which in a sense, could be perceived as musical phrases that only took place so many bars ago. We are easier reminded of those phrases during the long breathes we take from the phrases we are making at the current moment. And for the minds that never stop, it’s also important to recognize the position of our point of reference and the velocity at which we are traveling. When it’s not recognized is when the ego can step in to say how good or bad things are.

I can’t help but to remember a great jazz musician saying that whenever we get caught up in our music, thinking that a recording was good or bad, is just the ego talking. If we are truly doing music, we just do it, accept it for what it was, and move on to the next. You might be able to say that every analogy in Jazz is a metaphor for life.


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