A Full Circle

After visiting many countries, countless cities and being submerged in several different languages, everything started to blend. I got tired of traveling, and I’m not afraid to admit it. It was six months after my father passed that I returned home to visit my friends and family. I again, couldn’t have anticipated what I was in for.

All the emotions regarding my father came back, all the excitement from the traveling came back, and yet when the same gentleman who dropped me off at the train station in New York was there to pick me up, it was as if my absence was only a day filled with an abundance of memories.

“Are you excited?” I often hear. And I’m not really sure what that’s like any more. I look forward to things, but I haven’t really felt excited about anything since I had my first date with a very special person in my life. Inquisitive; is something that I relate to more, but excitement, after everything I’ve been through, is something that’s somewhat unusual to me now.

When I talk about the things that I’ve been through this past year, people often say “I can’t imagine.” And I say “No, you can’t imagine, and you can’t understand, and nor would I want you or anyone to understand or feel what I went through. (Still going through.)”

Mike said to me as a father would when his son is leaving his house “I hope this trip brought it full circle.” And I said it did. And I’m still digesting it. Going through my father’s paperwork and seeing wads of receipts that total upwards of 300k. Can you believe that? My father paid over a quarter million dollars to the House of Yahweh over the second half of his life. And I knew that; but now he’s gone. I buried him with my two hands on the first of May, and seeing those papers in a different light paint a new kind of picture. Again, this is part of the circle.

My return trip started with marriage counseling from the greatest father figure in my life, and then with the thoughts of what everyone else things marriage is, whether they had been married or not. And to be honest, I don’t see marriage as such a big deal when the topic of children is on the table.  And shortly after burying my father, I started to sense the sacredness of family. Something that I didn’t really start to experience until later in life.

It’s amazing how much our frames of mind can change depending on the environment that we’re in. Not so much our feelings on certain subjects, but rather our perspectives. And it’s more or less a good thing. We need it. Not so that we know we are sure, because that’s a rarity, but to know we’re making the best choice we possibly can.

My return trip consisted of 12 hours on a plane, and 3 hours on a train. The next day was 12 hours on a train, and 4 hours on a bus. The day after was a 6 hour car ride up north. Thanksgiving; for me it’s more tolerable than Christmas, but seeing friends and family was a breath of fresh air. Of course, I had endless stories to tell and I had nothing but the wind to tell me where to begin.

The time up north was short and sweet, and the time spent in New York was well needed. A bit of an old routine with the freedom to dabble in current interests. (I made a tool for cutting leather straps, and I’ll get to that some other time.)

The circle I speak of was entirely unexpected, and didn’t become apparent until the end. Hell, I didn’t even know I was leaving until two days before I actually left. And here I am, back in the same routine. I was a little worried that the motivation and drive wouldn’t be here waiting for me when I got back. But thankfully, it’s still here. Everything is just as I left it, just as it was back home in New York.

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